BridgeBox Family

One of the scariest sights for me as a child was the look on my Dad’s face without his glasses on. It makes me laugh now, but without his glasses he looked irate – but only because he had to squint to see us.

When he spoke to us without his glasses, his message rarely matched his menacing face – that is, unless we woke him up prematurely from a nap. He was never happy about that. Other than that, he wasn’t angry, he just couldn’t see us.

Just as it’s important to have the right prescription to avoid the strain of squinting, we need to be able to see ourselves clearly so that we can take accurate personal inventories on ourselves to know what changes we need to make in our lives for the better. 

Whenever I want to be better in a certain area, I look for a person or persons who I feel are masters in that area so I can attempt to do what they do. My friend, Rachel, and her husband are amazing parents to 5 great kids. I too have 5 kids, so we relate in many areas. I once told Rachel that I admired her and I asked her the secret to raising such amazing kids. She gave me this answer:

“Oh, they just came to me that way.” That response was so characteristically her; humble, and yet the answer, unhelpful – or so I thought. 

I thought about her words for several months. While at the gym, I was trying to herd my three little children into the kids club and as I stood holding the door open I spoke the phrase, “Come on angels.” A woman I didn’t know walked by and saw my brood and said to me, “You’re doing it right by calling them angels. That’s exactly what they are.” I thought her comment was so kind. I later remembered what Rachel had told me, “They came to me that way,” and I realized that her words were full of wisdom.

Because Rachel sees her children as wonderful, she treats them like they are wonderful and praises them whenever they do something praiseworthy. It’s easy to see the good if you are actively looking for it.

Make Sure You Have The Right Prescription

When my Woody was 4, he was hitting his two-year-old brother and I snapped at him and said, “Don’t be a bully!” Right after I said that very emotionally charged remark, I thought about Rachel. At that moment, I was labeling Woody as a bully after observing certain behaviors progress into a pattern. This evidence created a fear – I was afraid of a future where he would become a bully in school or become an adult that hurt people.

I decided that if I wanted him to be kind, I first had to see him as kind – which isn’t at all a stretch. Woody is the sweetest boy. He has a very tender and sensitive heart. If I see him as that FIRST, I know that behavior that seems rough or violent is not him, it’s a costume. Meaning, it’s a reaction he’s trying on. Maybe he is trying to teach his younger brother a boundary? He may be trying to say, “I’m mad that you took my toy, so I’m going to hit you so that you don’t do it again.” If I already see him as kind, I can teach him how to handle his anger in appropriate ways.

I may say, “Woody, because I know you’re kind, I’m going to teach you ways to handle your anger that doesn’t hurt others.” That may look like punching a pillow, counting to ten, or going to his room for some quiet time.  I can also teach him the kindest way to tell his brother, “I don’t want to share this toy, can we share another one?” Or whatever solution we come up with. That was a really important lesson for me. I first needed to make sure I had the right prescription so I could see my kids clearly for who they truly are, before reacting, correcting, or guiding.

The word, sapere vedere means, knowing how to see. We first must know how to see so that we can parent without fear. Can you see the wonderful person in front of you first, and then show them a different way? If you have a child who you’ve decided is difficult, your brain uses it’s RAS (reticular activating system) to see all the ways they are difficult. But, if you have a child that you have decided is kind, not only will you be able to point out when they are being kind (positive reinforcement), you will be able to see that they just need some help learning the kind way to do something.

I hope to master that quality as my friend, Rachel, has so beautifully. We can be proud of ourselves when we take the time to analyze a poor reaction and adjust our prescription. See the good first, then parent accordingly.

On Instagram @emilyayars