BridgeBox Family

How to ease the heartache of missing your children when you share custody.

There’s no heartache quite like sharing children with an ex. It can be especially hard when the separation was not necessarily your choice or when your children’s other parent does not share the same parenting values as you. But even if the separation was amicable and you know your child is safe with their mom or dad, it can still be very difficult when you have to be separated from your babies.

Sure, who wouldn’t want a break for a day to catch up on some cleaning, projects, or reading a good book? But when it’s multiple days, a week, or weeks, it can be tremendously difficult to be away from them.

When my son was small, he had the opportunity to go on a two-week cruise with his dad and stepmom. I took the opportunity to go on a little trip myself with my mom. It was so much fun. However, after my jet lag had worn off and I was lying on my twin bed inside our hostel, a panic came over me like an ocean wave. I looked up into the pitch-black ceiling as my brain began to put on a parade of ALL the worst-case scenarios that could happen to my son while on his vacation.

There he was, in my mind, falling off the back of the cruise ship without anyone realizing it. Oh, and there he is, being trampled by a stampede of people fleeing a burning ship.

On and on and on they went. “What if I can’t get to him?” “What if he needs surgery and I’m not there?” “What if he dies and I don’t get to hold him one last time?”

DARK.

I was in a full-blown panic attack with these very unwelcome images. Pulse raising, tears building; I covered my mouth so my sobs wouldn’t wake up my mother sleeping in the next bed over.

I allowed the anxiety to wash over me for a time. Then I put a stop to it by telling my brain, “You can’t know this is true.” “The truth is, he is most likely asleep in a bed, safe, dreaming, peaceful.” I repeated that phrase over and over, like a trance, until I fell asleep.

Turns out, that was the actual truth. He was absolutely safe. We eventually reunited the next week without any incidence (at least that time).

Here are three things that helped me cope when I missed my kids during shared custody:

1. Whenever my mind would run amok with crazy, made-up scenarios, I would say, “Thank you. We can’t know that is true.” Because the brain does not always know the difference between imagination and reality, you have to tell your brain what IS real. It’s like the split second after waking up from a nightmare, before you’ve realized you’re dreaming—it all seems very, very real. If you find yourself stressing about an imagined scenerio, try speaking your stressful thoughts out loud, then tell your brain, “Thank you (for protecting my son), but the truth is, we don’t know.” The brain needs help coming back into the present. Then I would say a prayer to God to protect my son while he was away.
2. After my prayer, I would say out loud, “My son is such a gift, I’m so grateful I get to share him with the world.” One of the greatest gifts I can give someone is for them to spend time with this incredible human.
3. I would plan something to look forward to when they return home. Whether that be going to the movies, a special lunch outing, or one-on-one time. He gets my undivided attention. I missed him so much!

I know there are situations where you know you are sending off your precious gift to people who don’t treat them as such. That situation feels impossible. You must do all that you can to protect your kids, but sometimes it’s out of your control. Keep fighting for your kids. Keep demanding the best for them. But when you know they are in good hands, sit in the joy that is the sadness of missing them combined with the happiness of sharing them with others. It’s a very holy feeling, where sorrow and gratitude collide.

Sharing little kids is hard on everyone. Transitions are especially hard for kids. They need us to miss them. What a blessing to have someone love you enough to miss you.

Hold your little ones close. They are a gift from God.

-Emily Ayars Smith